Women on the Scene at Regionals

Hey Team,
I’ve been feeling lazy this week, so instead of writing a WOTS report for Regionals, I snuck onto the set of ESPN SportsCenter and yanked a script off the desk of Chris Berman. See attached. Thanks to the folks in my car who helped with, um, casing the joint.

Anne

Thanks for the speed-skating update, Trey. And now in ultimate news, VULVA closed out its first season with a respectable seed-holding showing at the Northwest Regional tournament last weekend. A young team from Seattle, VULVA was coming off a rousing 13-8 win over archrivals Moxie at their last tournament… What’s that, Trey? Oh, excuse me. The team’s name is VIVA. I thought that was a little funny – did you think that was funny? Well. Rumor has it VIVA had been working hard in the intervening two weeks; they spent hours reviewing game tapes and cross-training with 'The Scarecrow-Tyrannosaurus Game,' gearing up to defend The Emerald City in the Second-Team Showdown against Vancouver team Hussy and San Fran’s Homebrood.

VIVA started out Saturday with an easy win over Riot. [Pause]. No, no, of course I’m kidding, Trey. VIVA got trounced. I don’t think they scored a point all game. At least it wasn’t as embarrassingly short as their last game against Riot. But wow. Turnover central. It was like, Pull, Pass, Pass, Dump, TO, Pass, Pass, Huck, Scoooore! And repeat. [Let Trey talk].

Well, you know, Trey, I think you’re right. VIVA never looks their best against Riot – you rarely see them play with the kind of intensity they have against non-Worlds-winning teams. But we also have to remember that this was their first game of the morning. And despite the captains’ admonitions, most players did not show up cleated and ready to go at 7:15, and thus they missed out on the 1.5 hour warm-up that would have ensured a better start. From what I hear, it was a rough night all around. Dara had a cold. Sadie and Debbie couldn’t find the porn station on the hotel TV. Anne’s bed got short-sheeted … whatever that means. The only person who slept well was Maddy, thanks to some nice back-seat rubbin’ she got on the trip up. And speaking of the trip up – Jess, Neva, Yaya, and Laney barely made it to the fields on time after riding all night on their Segways. So no wonder VIVA got their pants ripped off by Riot.

Anywho, what goes around comes around, and VIVA got a new pair of pants in the next game. That one was against The Linfield Academy, a college team from Oregon who, although cheerful, were so wrought with adolescent feelings of entitlement that they actually thought it appropriate to show up to Regionals with ten players, instead of just their rostered seven. Fortunately, Sarah ‘Policewoman of the World’ RV was there to intervene.

The game started off quite well for VIVA, with two no-turn points. Wam, bam, thank you, Linfield Academy. After that, VIVA had a number of unforced turnovers but played calm offense and even undertook a huck or two. On defense, VIVA seized the opportunity to work on their zone. A terrifying cup, combined with some well-placed raindrops, ensured many turnovers by Linfield. The Academy, in turn, played increasingly better defense, using the rain as an excuse to lay out all over the place. They got three goals, all towards the end of the game, when VIVA, tired of scoring, turned their attention to the sideline, where a sad dog was mourning an orange it had punctured with its teeth. Boo-yah!

Next, VIVA took on Homebrood, a fun team with an active sideline who, despite many clever cheers, could not rival Maddy’s back hand-spring psych-up. Homebrood had a very effective 1-3-3, a defense that VIVA has struggled against all season. [Pause]. You said it, Trey; the 1-3-3 is so hot right now. So hot. It was definitely the defense of fall 2004 – let’s see how it holds up next season. VIVA handled it fairly well against Homebrood, dragging out many long points, but only scoring six in the end.

VIVA’s fourth opponent of the day was Vancouver’s Prime, a tall, poachy team with a reputation for having no factors other than one and themselves. VIVA became increasingly effective against the poaches, and even scored a point -- on a stopped-disc huck from Anne to RV, proving that the nod-wink is an effective form of communication even outside a barroom setting. Speaking of barrooms, the VIVA sideline was quickly becoming a bastion of intoxication, with rain-soaked PBR-swilling lovers in every corner. Thankfully, none of the players partook. [Wink].

In related news, I have here an update on the Who’s More Disgusting – Sara or Sadie – Contest from Sectionals. It seems that Sadie spent part of her time on the sideline trying to catch apple pieces spat from the mouth of Maddy – in her mouth! And she succeeded! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. [Pause]. Ha, ha, right on, Trey. That’s why they play the game!

To round off the day on Saturday, VIVA had a final game against the Vancouver team Hussy. Now, I don’t know if you remember this matchup from Sectionals, but it was quite a good game. It was also the last game of the day, and there were many close points, not reflected in the final score, which was 15-6, Hussy. Since their Sectionals victory over Moxie, VIVA had set their sights this game, hoping to win and earn the final spot in the brackets on Sunday, instead of being relegated to pool play with The Linfield Academy and Moxie. Been there, done that, you know what I’m saying, Trey?

VIVA came out strong in the first point, scoring on a perfectly-executed pull play up the break side that culminated in a 30-yard hammer from Jess. Although intimidated, Hussy managed to pull themselves together and wrestled several points out of VIVA. The first eight points of the game were hotly contested, with many calls and on-field rules discussions. The teams were tied at 4s. Then the rain stopped, and the sun came out and shone VIVA’s mojo away. They didn’t score again in the first half, and only managed to pull out two more before the end of the game. Their last point, though, was really something. Do we have a replay of that, Bill? [Pause]. Okay, great. Now look at this. On the far sideline, Maddy gets the D. You can see here the disc is still in the air, waffling. Erin catches it. Maddy rushes by her, I believe she’s saying “Puuuuut it, Eeeerin.” Erin releases. Maddy runs to the end zone. She… could… go… all… the… way… And she does! What a score! I should also mention, Trey, that the superstars of this game were Sarah RV, with some excellent D’s and disc-reading, and Yaya, who was constantly cutting and invariably open. Nevertheless, VIVA lost 6-13, and had to face a round-robin on Sunday.

Fortunately, there was a lot of partying to be done before then. VIVA relaxed their aching muscles in the lovely hotel hot tub (which, you will be happy to know, nobody has ever had sex in because it is in a direct line of sight from the check-in desk). Then they headed to bustling downtown Bellingham for some ‘ritas and ‘rritos. Trey, if you are ever in Bellingham, seek out the potato burrito – it’s delicious, and not just because both words end in o. Unfortunately, some people missed out because they went to the Olive Garden, where they are to this day treading in an endless bowl of minestrone. After that, the cool kids stopped for beer and cookies, and everyone reconvened in the party room for an intense triathlon of party games. Game 1: the Dirty Dancing Drinking Game, where everyone’s a winner... except Baby, who’s in a corner. Game 2: the STD game, where people actually pretend to be mentally handicapped venereal diseases calling each other on a fake telephone. Game 3: Psychiatrist. If you don’t know what it is, I’m not going to tell you, and next time you will be the one to find out who on VIVA hasn’t even been to college.

So everyone slept well after that, until about 9 am on Sunday when the Angel of Death, I mean Meredith, came around to tell them that everyone had to be on the fields in an hour, so Linfield could play and get back to The Academy in time for afternoon tea. VIVA hustled over to the fields and warmed up in record time. This game against Linfield was noticeably different from the first in several respects. To begin with, VIVA had a brand new set of iso calls (‘eee ich, eee ich’). In addition, they decided to change things up and try new positions. Some people even braved the role of ‘permanent bench warmer.’ Nonetheless, it was a swift victory.

Thus ended VIVA’s first fall series and first season. My prediction, Trey – this is a hot young team to be looked-out-for as they gain some experience together. Boo-yah! Now back to you for the latest in the world of trampoline basketball.